Ghost Eye

So I finally got rid of my revolver, and my beloved AK47.

And I traded them.....

http://nashville.craigslist.org/mcy/1435281753.html

For that. 750cc 1979 Dual overhead cam Honda Nighthawk.

Hoooly shit. I feel about a thousand feet tall.

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Pass it on to 15 people you like and include me. You can't use the band I used. Try not to repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than you think! Repost as "my life according to (band name)"

Pick your Artist:
Sabaton

Are you a male or female:
Metal Machine

Describe yourself
Jawbreaker

How do you feel:
Forty to One

Describe where you currently live:
Stalingrad

If you could go anywhere, where would you go:
Into The Fire

Your favourite form of transportation:
Hellrider

Your best friend is:
A Light In The Black

You and your best friends are:
Masters Of The Word

What's the weather like:
Thunderstorm

Favourite time of day:
Endless nights

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
Attero Dominatus

What is life to you:
Rise Of Evil

A lot has happened lately. My best friend from Marion, Damon Winkleman, was killed in Afghanistan a few weeks ago. He was a good guy, and a lot of my personality was influenced by him.  Wink's death greatly affected me, but it made me realize how stupid it is to sweat the small stuff. Whining over women, bitching about money. Shit's dumb. So I've been kinda taking it easy, enjoying life, and trying to be more friendly to the people who deserve it.

Speaking of which, I 've been reading my friends page every few days or so. And I realized: A lot of you are self absorbed whiny shitheads. Half of you don't even talk to me anymore.  One day I might be bored enough to go through and cut my LJ, but I will tell you, that if you post a lot of emo bullshit, you may as well go ahead and de-friend me so as to prevent me from wasting my valuable fapping and cracked.com time on your whiny bitchrants and sob stories. I don't feel sorry for any of you.

Anyway, I did some Geocaching last night. Shit was awesome.

Every major change in my life happens in the fall. i think it's because the sweet, cold wings and the changing leaves comfort me and whisper the words of courage during transition that no human could. I thank the Lord that this is the case, lest I be even less sane than I already am. I have learned today that to assume the worst is always best, because most of the time, you're right, and when the truth emerges, you can deal with it as a man and an intellectual instead of as an impulsive child.

I've been lied to and deceived for the past months, yet I've found the strength to not only forgive but support the offender, because most of the time, the right thing isn't what I want at all. To keep the world around you turning, you often have to make yourself stop. It's a terrible feeling, to be sure, but knowing you have the strength to pull it off is empowering and humbling.

I won't lie. My ability to trust people has fallen to zero again, and I'm quite upset. Only the fact that I'm still half asleep and numbed by the news is keeping my train of thought as clear as it is. I do, right now, need a friend. I really do, as selfish as it is. I am confused to the deepest part of my soul.

I don't know why life hands me the cards it does, and i'm not bitter about it. i thank god for the strength he's given me to carry on, and I look ahead with hope to how I will adapt to this change.

I need to sleep.

Where the fuck are you, Fall?

You've got some balls, kissing her in front of me while she's alseep.

I mean, yeah, we were sucking each other's faces off an hour earlier.

But still. What the fuck are you thinking? You want to start this again? You already know I'm better than you. you already know she'll always come to me. I'm greater than you in every way, you stupid prick, and I will fucking steamroll you if you pull that shit again.

Patrick Swayze died last night, and this is the first time I've felt like posting anything after a celebrity's death since I'm tired of logging into my friend's page and seeing OH MY GOD THEY WERE THE BEST EVER I AM SO HEARTBROKER but damn, man. Swayze was awesome! Ripping that guy's throat out in Roadhouse, shooting down a helicopter in Red Dawn, and I mean hell, he was in Point Break with Gary Busey and Keanu Reeves and STILL made the movie good. Not to mention, dude was a good pilot, and a charitable guy. For the first time in the last few months we actually have someone worth missing

So, things are interesting, yet stable enough right now that I'm not having a heart attack

Living in the huge new house is still great, and my roommates are still great. I pretty much do what I want, within reason, though these days that's a lot less wild than it may have been a couple of years ago.

Kaitlyn and I have gotten really close as friends, which I guess we probably should have done BEFORE we dated. Either way, we go out of our ways to help each other, and watch over each other, and it's nice to have a close friend down the street that's here for me. Feelings still get in the way sometime, but I suppose that's to be expected.

I'm trying to reconnect with people, Kristin for one, that I think very highly of. With her school, and my work, it's hard, and I think everyone I know is going through some big life change right now that makes it hard to talk to them, but I'll keep at it.

I shaved my head completely bald today, down to the skin, which feels very weird and at the same time, pretty awesome. I look like a satan, and Kaitlyn thinks it's hot, so it's cool.

I have completely fallen in love with the AK-47 assault rifle. I'm now on my second one, and it has become a fixture of my attention. Just thought you should know I'm in love with a gun.

It's feeling like fall, which is always an odd time for me. I always feel very connected to everything, especially memories, because everything in my life seems to happen in the fall. I'm excited about what this fall will bring.

Is it dumb to say I miss the touch, the feel of a woman? Aside from a few small incidents and a suprise from Kaitlyn, I've been ten months without anything substantial. Even holding hands, I miss. I feel so retarded. But I can't shake the feeling.

Absence makes the heart grow bitter.

The more you pretend I don't exist, the more I continue to mentally detach myself from you, and everyone else down there that I once considered a friend

I have a whole lot to say.

Not a whole lot of people to say it to.

And even less that probably would want to hear any of it.

So now I just want a cigarette. Damn being poor.

I'm sick. The yearly puking of blood has started early, apparently. Luckily, two remedies are available: CVS throat medicine, and Mikheil Kalashnikov vodka. That's right. The great saint who invented the AK-47 also created a smooth, great-tasting vodka. What CAN'T old man Kalashnikov do?

I suppose, also, that perhaps I'm a little lonely.

What a way to spend friday night - sick and alone.

Hmm... Odd night.

My cat, beloved Lilli Marlene, may be sick. She's breathing hard and sleeping a lot, which isn't normal. She's very active.  Why can't animals get sick, and then over it, like people? Every little illness means death for pets unless you take them to the doctor and pay them 500 bucks. If it stays like this, though, I have to take her. I don't want to lose Lilli.

I went to visit Kaitlyn tonight, and it was pleasant, but her coworker is trying to set her up with some 38 year old dude. I mean, she thinks it's as gross as I do, and she's not interested, but it reminded me that eventually she's going to get a boyfriend, and the kissing and making love will come to an end. I mean, I'd rather her have something stable and happy, but for once in ten months I'm happy again.

Fffff.

HOW DID THAT HAPPEN.

Eight months of not talking
Two months of being pretty good friends

We're sitting on the floor, playing with the cats, AND NEXT MINUTE HOLY LIVING HELL WE'RE IN BED AND WHAT THE SHIT.

I don't know if I feel really awesome or really evil. We kinda just walked back to her house joking about it and swearing up and down not to regret it in the morning.

Figured I'd update and tell you all I have a house now, a nice one with a yard and all that jazz. So give me a call and come hang out.

I'm facing it. I still love her. I can't deny it. She'll always be part of my heart.

But you know what? I can't give her the life she deserves, or the support. I can't be a father to her child, I know this. Could I have her back? probably. But I'd rather be eternally regretful than see her hurt again. I suppose that's the measure of a man.

Maybe she'll let me kiss her again. But that's all I can ever ask for. I've got to learn to live with my decision - it was the right one.

I'm going 100 in a 55
And I don't know why I'm still alive
But I do what I can but I know I can't take anymore

I still believe in this rock and roll, and I pray the music's gonna save my soul
But until then, I still believe

Some things were just meant to be

So come, bring on all that you've got!
Come hell, come high water, never stop!
Unless you are forty to one
Your lives will soon be undone

Baptized in fire, forty to one!
Spirit of spartans, death and glory!

It's nice to have someone to look after, protect, and comfort. Most people who've filled that slot tend to rebel against me, or act indignant. She genuinely appreciates me, which is nice for a change.

I applied for my concealed firearms permit Friday. Awesome. One week, and I will become an armed citizen and able to protect my friends and family should the need arise.

Went on a canoe trip for father's day. It was a lot of fun, drank with my dad, smoked cigars, and had a genuinely good time.

Another week ahead of sleeping on couches, but with luck and prayer, that may end soon. It will eat every bit of next month's pay, but I will finally have a room of my own, two very friendly roommates, and very cheap rent. Things may look up soon.

I slept at her house last night. I held her in my arms again, and realized, I never really held her that much. It made me wonder if I could have done things differently to make her less hostile when we dated. But I won't dwell on it. I'm glad she's done so well for herself. It's just hard to see youself rendered... obsolete? I don't know if that's the right word.

It felt good though. She's so cute.

Situation report:

Going to New Orleans this weekend to visit dying granddad. Depressing, but it will be nice to be back where I grew up. I've sortof intentionally avoided it since Hurricane Katrina, I couldn't bear to see my beloved city destroyed.

I'm homeless, more or less. Luckily, some friends are coming through for me and I'm floating from couch to couch weekly. Hopefully that won't last too long.

Met Kaitlyn's boyfriend yesterday. I would be more jealous except that he is quite obviously better than me, and more capable of loving her and her child. Instead I just regret leaving her in the first place. Even though she made my life hell. What's wrong with me?

My truck's in the shop, and I have to bum rides to work.

Overrall, this is not a good week for me.